Inbox

[whatam_i]

What demands an answer, but asks no question?
....
A telephone.
And I'm not here to answer mine so please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Comments

Testy texts - say that three times fast

[hobblepot]

What do you think you are you doing??

[It's just after four in the morning, and his beauty sleep has been cruelly interrupted by odd clinking and clanking noises down the hall that sound suspiciously like the ones Ed was responsible for earlier in the day.]

testy testicle texts to test XD

[whatam_i]

I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd finish some work.
What are you doing up?

Are you calling him an angry nut

[hobblepot]

What am I doing?

I am going out of my mind listening to your infernal hammering!

[Needless to say, the question of what kept Ed up in the first place is not on the top of the list.]

Bwhaha not intentionally but it does work XD

[whatam_i]

Oh.
Well you don't have to worry, I'm done with that.

[About five seconds later Oswald will hear the sounds of a drill instead.]

[hobblepot]

Are you insane??

[whatam_i]

No.
I have a certificate of sanity, remember?

[hobblepot]

Fuck the certificate!

[There's some consolation in knowing that as long as he's texting, Ed's not drilling. On second thought, no - no consolation at all. It's terrible and he's furious and he wants Ed to know all about it.]

Put down the drill and all your other little toys and go back to bed like a normal human being, or I will have you tied down until morning.

And I am not joking!

[whatam_i]

First of all, they are not toys. They are tools.

Secondly, I don't think either of us can rightfully say what a normal human being does or doesn't do.

[Since they are both big weirdos.]

And third...
I'd like to see you try.

[hobblepot]

Excuse me?

[Oswald interprets that the only way he can, in this mood - as a roundabout way of reminding him he's a freak to Gotham at large - and he tenses, raring for a fight.]

I don't have to.

Ivan can be here in five minutes.

[Who is Ivan? His latest recruit with the brute strength of an ox, enough brains to carry out instructions to a tee, and no interest in small talk. The best kind of goon.]

So I would suggest that you consider your next move very carefully.

[whatam_i]

You don't think I can come up with a trap for 'Ivan' in five minutes?

[hobblepot]

[Bastard.

Not that he couldn't warn Ivan, but this is becoming ridiculous. There's only so much disrespect he can tolerate before he goes from snapping his teeth to biting.]

Last warning!

Go. To. Bed.

Or I will be forced to resort to more drastic measures.

[whatam_i]

Nope. Not tired.

[He's a grown man, Oswald. A grown man who can be very stubborn.]

By drastic measures do you mean getting up out of bed yourself and coming down here?

[hobblepot]

You would like that, wouldn't you?

[Him putting in the effort, wasting his time. Surely Ed would attempt to win by way of seducing him at some point, he thinks.]

[whatam_i]

Maybe.

Aren't you the least bit curious as to what I'm working on?

[hobblepot]

Nope.

[The only way to deal with a mullish manchild is to be one right back, obviously, with a shameless lie on top of it. And if that chafes Ed's ass just a little, then mission accomplished.]

I have better things to do right now than to obsess over your latest DIY science project or whatever it is, the details of which I am certain will be revealed to me in excruciating detail whether they are wanted or not.

[whatam_i]

[Two can play at that game.]

Fine.
If you're really that uninterested I guess I'll just keep this all to myself. Just don't get snarky about it when I spend more time working than with you.

[hobblepot]

Remind me: weren't you the one who came begging for my attention the other night?

[whatam_i]

I did NOT beg!

[hobblepot]

Oh, you definitely begged.

[whatam_i]

I DID NOT.

I merely heavily requested your company.

[By basically climbing into Oswald's lap when he was working at his desk....]

[hobblepot]

You mean by practically climbing on top of me and blocking my view?

[Who needs a cat when you have Ed?]

Yes, yes you did.

[whatam_i]

[It's not his fault he's tall and can easily block people's views.]

I sure didn't hear you complaining.

[hobblepot]

It would honestly surprise me if you could hear anything at all over the sound of your own voice.

[So texts the man in love with his own. The Cobblepot calling the kettle black, as usual.]

Bwhaha good pun

[whatam_i]

If I'm remembering correctly my mouth was too busy kissing you to speak.

[Because not only did he crawl into Oswald's lap he decided the best way to tempt him away from work was to kiss up and down his neck.]

[hobblepot]

[Ed's a ruthless opportunist, sometimes. Of course, so is Oswald.

The better half of a minute passes before Oswald texts:]

Ed, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not going over there and I am most definitely not tucking you in.

[Can't weasel your way out of facing consequences, buddy.]