Inbox

[whatam_i]

What demands an answer, but asks no question?
....
A telephone.
And I'm not here to answer mine so please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Comments

[whatam_i]

I don't think my body can move like that.

No, I usually run.

Not since I was little.

[hawk_shot]

Ed, I've FELT your body move. You can totally do it standing too.

Yeah, I don't blame you.
Would you like me to teach you how to punch?

You never celebrate Christmas??
Not even back at work?

[whatam_i]

That's different.

Uh no thank you. I know how to hit someone I just prefer to either outsmart them or run away.
Or shoot them. Or stab them.

Well one year I made fruitcake for everyone and nondenominational winter greeting cards but most people just threw both in the trash.

[hawk_shot]

How's that different if the song changes and we start grinding against each other?

Ok, clever boy. We've established you've got your ways out of trouble.
but I'm just saying. One day you might not have a weapon and be cornered.

God, I hate your ex-coworkers SO MUCH.
That's just so nasty and uncalled for and total bullshit.
We're celebrating Christmas this year. Even if we do it virtually. And if I don't die.

[whatam_i]

Uh because I don't do that when I dance.

Well that's when I'd go for the eyes, throat or groin.

[He's not above kicking someone in the crotch Kate.]

Oh. Uh. Okay.

[hawk_shot]

And you didn't do a lot of the stuff I wanna do to you now. So brace yourself.

Ok, ok. It's probably better for my morals if I don't teach the criminal how to punch anyway.

What? You don't want to?

[whatam_i]

What do you mean by that?

I know how to slap people, does that count?

No! It's not that, I was just a little surprised by your reaction to my fruitcake.

[hawk_shot]

You know, positions while we fuck. Maybe wearing costumes. Tying you up. Getting you to dance to a dirty song. Doing it in the tub. The stuff we haven't tried out yet.

Huh... Maybe?

Why is that surprising? You had a nice gesture and people just threw it away. It's bullshit.

[whatam_i]

Oh!!!
Oh. Uh some of those sound nice.

Because most people don't react like that. It's sweet of you.
I'll make you fruitcake for Christmas.

[hawk_shot]

They'll all nice if you give them a chance.
But let me guess: the tub?

Most people should react like I did. Be grateful that someone was thoughtful like you.
Will I get a card too?

[whatam_i]

Uh no, that one might not work because I'm tall. But the costumes might be fun, depending on what ones they are.

Of course!

[hawk_shot]

I'm sure we'd fit nicely in a hot tub.
What kinda costumes do you think you'd like? I have a feeling that cheerleaders are not your type.

Good.
I would make you one too, but it would probably traumatize you.

[whatam_i]

But I don't have a hot tub.
Urm no, not cheerleaders.

Awww I'm sure that's not true.

[hawk_shot]

We can find a place with one.
Sexy Godzilla then. I know you have a weakness for green.

No, seriously. My artistic skills suck. And I mean that for real.

[whatam_i]

You mean like a hotel?
What? No. I mean yes, I like green but I don't want a sexy Godzilla.

Well how about instead you make us eggnog?

[hawk_shot]

Since I'm already thinking of moving into a hotel I might as well find one with a nice hot tub.
I bet someone must have dressed as sexy Godzilla for Halloween sometime.
So, what'd you like?

That woould involve more than a virtual Christmas.

[whatam_i]

Are there hotels like that? Where there's a hot tub in your suite?

Maybe.
I'm scared to say.

Yes. Would that be okay?

[hawk_shot]

According to the 'The 11 best hotels with in-room hot tubs in NYC' there's at least 11, apparently.
A few are outdoor decks.
Question is if they're pet friendly too.

Oh, cmon! I think that by now you can pretty much tell me anything.

Are you asking me to spend Christmas with you, Ed?
because I'd like that.

[whatam_i]

Can't you just sneak your dog in?

I don't know, I don't want you to think I'm weird.
...
Weirder.

Yes.
I'd like that as well.

[hawk_shot]

Ed, he's a freaking golden retriever, not a tiny dog that fits in a bag.

Why not? I like your weirdness. And dorkiness.

That's a Christmas date then.
... Does the other you like the same things as you do?

[whatam_i]

Just put a table cloth over him or something.

Really? You like that I'm weird?

Yes.

[hawk_shot]

Right! Maybe I can put him in my luggage. It should be fine to carry him since they have wheels.

I like you. Period. With your weirdness and how excited you get for me when I figure your riddles or how you're up late right now just to talk.
So, yeah. Tell me.

Ok. Getting you both presents should be easy then.

[whatam_i]

See? That works.

I like you too. [But he also likes that she likes the he's weird, almost everyone else always says it like it's a bad thing.]
Okay. I...urm. like vintage styles, especially lingerie.

[He's also touched that she just said she'd get both of him something.]

You don't have to get me anything.

[hawk_shot]

You know what? I'm gonna do this just because I like a good challenge.

Oh! You mentioned that. The first time you saw me on my underwear. We were gonna go shopping for some.
We still can if you want to see me wear some.

Ed, that's the true capitalist meaning of Christmas.
Of course I'm getting you presents.

[It feels right, addressing them both. Because even though Kate tells herself that she wants the Riddler to accept her like... Some sort of weird brother-in-law. Well, she's also intrigued by him.]

[whatam_i]

I like that about you.

Would you be comfortable if I bought you some, for Christmas?